Excerpt from: For God So Loved The Earth

At that moment he was consumed by hate. His eyes blurred with rage, his throat course from the screaming, he didn't know what to do. He was Peter Pan, all grown up in a world of make believe. It wasn't politics, it wasn't his personal beliefs. It was being lied to again, it was being held below Cinderella, Snow White, Zues and Ahab's White Whale. He was human. He was real. He had thoughts, and could change. He could touch and be touched, and yet he was less than their God, the character they talked to every night. Surely they could see the pain that it caused him as is eyes welted with tears. For years they had ignored him in his room rousing him only for the infrequent questions of drug use or school grades and course on Sunday mornings. For years his God sat and let him suffer until eventually he did turn to the drugs, and alcohol. His parents would eventually try and take him to a Christian therapist, he refused to go back.
He would spend hours every night pleading for the slightest solace, and yet the all powerful diety whos love he craved would never come. A heavenly father who had abandoned him, and an Earthly family who had done the same years before. As he grew older things changed slightly, his parents would accept him more. I suppose they thought his new found atheism would be nothing more than a phase; but tension would grow as he grew further and further away, eventually refusing to go to church and even volunteering for the political party that opposed his parents. No doubt they called it rebellion. Surley he wasn't able to make decissions on his own. It must be his friends, it must be people he talks to. Why wasn't he smart enough in their eyes to learn and choose things on his own? Why was he only smart enough to choose their religion.
He wondered how they would feel if one day they realized how they had pushed their son away for not believing fairey tales, he knew though that they never would. No one could understand the loneliness he felt at the moment he threw those bibles against the wall and screamed at his mother to leave the room, but it was the most seperated he had ever felt in his life. There was no one to talk to that would understand, there are no athiest support goups, there is no athiest pride parade. There is only the choice to follow what you believe and that can mean true loneliness if you are surrounded by opponents. He felt his heart sink as he thought about his fmily choosing the fairy tale over him. He had tried to gain the love and the support and the forgivness of their God. He had asked for it, and practiced it, how was it his fault that their God didn't answer him, or want him? Of course now he knew that something non-existant can not posses these qualities and that his parents would never understand.
There would be no appologies on either side, he would keep going, fighting in his world blackend not because he failed to see the light, but because he had been enlightend.
He didn't enjoy the hatred he felt whenever he say people fighting "in the name of Christ". Why couldn't people give themselves more credit. They are human beings, the most beautiful thing on this planet, and yet they spend their lives focused on the invisible and improbable. He hated them all. They were impossible to talk to, difficult even to be friends with, and yet their numbers spread and every day there seemed to be more and more.
He hated that he still held anger twords god. He didn't want to hate something that he didn't even believe in- he didn't want to hate anything. In truth he had always thought of himself as a very loving person, but the bitterness was begining to change him. It seemed to him that there was no truth, no way, no light in this world.
Where was his sanctuary, where were his open arms, how could he find acceptance in a world were he constantly had to fight everyone else in it? What was he fighting for, the right to not believe in something?

Brandon Christian Bozarth

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